I just spent the past several days in my own little world of multiple meds, fluids, the humidifier, and about 30 blankets. Whenever I could sit up without coughing up a lung, and stay awake for more than 10 minutes, I would catch up on DVR’d shows or movies. I did not text, check email, or write a post. Although I was fighting an attack on my health, I was content inside this little bubble of knowing absolutely nothing about the outside world. I tried to tell myself that the lack of exposure must be the reason for my gut wrenching, knees buckling reaction to the Newtown, CT news. I still cannot grasp it, and I do not have words. As a parent, it grieves me almost into a debilitating frozen state . I just cannot breathe.
My heart aches for the children, parents, friends, teachers, neighbors, emergency officials, and countless strangers who are affected. I don’t have room to debate weapons, or who was a worse mass killer. 206, 26, 6, 1 are all numbers. If the numbers represent lives, all of them matter. Rather than fight over who has the right to say, do, or own whatever, let’s remember that all of the victims had families, friends, neighbors, dreams, desires, and plans. They all were special and very much loved.
I am trying to learn how to calmly smile again when it is time to release them at school, church , or a play date. Most parents have been holding their children tighter while praying for those who grieve. How can we move forward? How can we protect our children, and prevent further violence against our families? We could hide them in our homes, never let them go, and battle the fear of the danger that lurks just outside the door. Or we could just trust that every moment and breath of every life can be found in God’s hands. He knows and sees them all. We can trust Him for strength, peace, and guidance. The rest? I say we can trust Him to handle that as well. I am not implying that life is just that simple, and that people can blindly skip away from tragedy without deeper questions or concerns. I just know that far too many situations and questions are too laborious for my mind to ever fully grasp, so I have to be able to trust One greater, stronger, and wiser than myself. He can take the pain, fear, anger and agony, and exchange them for healing, strength, and peace. I will trust that every breath, every step, everything will be in His hands.